• Dane

Mr Puppy - The Sloppy Kisser

And suddenly he went at it as if trying to devour my whole face.

I bet my ass that all of you have dreamt of or fantasise about your first kiss. You've seen it in movies, you've seen it in real life, how people kiss and set that bar in your mind on how your first one should be. Mine? Well, I imagined mine as a slow, romantic kind of kiss. You know the type when the person lightly caresses your lips with his/hers, you kiss back, softly. Yeah, I watched too many romcoms and those chick flicks growing up.

Nope. The first kiss was NOT like that at all. As a matter of fact, it was sloppy.

It happened during my internship program in Malaysia. There were five of us from my uni, and we were there with several other students from other cities. And as young students and post-grads, we ended up hanging out together since we could not understand shit about the language (although the same root, but many words have different meanings, sometimes in a rude way), nor the local culture. The pact instinct brought us all together. If you have lived abroad, you will understand why it is more comforting to find a group with a similar background (preferably those who have been there longer) to adapt to the new environment. Since there was none in the near vicinity, we created our group, one herd of, in lack of a better word for our 'kind', Indon.

Yup, that's the slang for us there, Indon. They claim that it has no racist meaning whatsoever, but to us, it's like the whites calling the blacks niggas.

For our lodgings, we shared an apartment with several people - separated based on gender (you can't stay in the same place with the opposite gender if you're not married, that's the law). I was lucky enough to share one apartment with three other guys, one of which went to the same uni as me. The others, well, not so much, imagine sharing a two-bedroom unit with seven people, and there was only one bathroom. Chaotic.

The company provided us with lodging, basic needs (coffee, tea, gas, water, milk), three meals a day, transportation to the workplace, and they paid us enough - RM 500 (appr. US$ 120.00) for the non-management trainees and RM 1,000 (appr. US$ 240.00) for the management trainees. You might think that's too low, but without having to pay for rent, food, and transportation to work, we managed quite well during our six months tenure. It also taught us to manage our expenses - as we found out later when we had our first real job. My first salary was only around US$ 200.00 a month, give or take. With rent, food and other expenses (including tax deduction), I eked out with less than $ 50 a month.

Anyway, going back to the story - excuse me for rambling on and on.

After three months of (trying to) work, we knew each other better, although I did not hang out with the others as often. Then one day, one of the guys from the other school went to my best friend and asked all sorts of questions about me. And well, girls talk, so she told me straight away after that. That was when I started to notice him, well, in THAT way.

Honestly, I was not interested in him at first. He was not my actual type, but he was a nice guy. He often called me up during lunchtime, and we would have lunch together. Sometimes he waited for me to finish my shift before heading out for dinner. It was platonic at first. We hang out more often, with my friends, and he would come over to our place once in a while and spent the night chatting away.

One night, we went out clubbing, all ten of us to this club in Kuala Lumpur. I didn't drink back then, so pretty much sober going home around 2 AM. He lived in another area quite far from the workplace and had to go in the morning shift the next day, so my friend told him to stay over at our place. It was a hot, humid night, so we pulled our mattresses out to the living room - where there was a ceiling fan. All of us slept there, like sardines in a tin can. He slept next to me - didn't think much of it.

Sometime around 3 or 4 AM, we kind off woke up, and he was smiling at me, reached out and stroke my cheek (aaw..). Leaning in, he lightly kissed my forehead, down to my lips. It was a soft peck, simple.

I smiled at him.

Suddenly he went at it as if trying to devour my whole face, mouth open, tongue everywhere. I was shocked, too shocked to react. Amazed, and a little disgusted at the same time. I've seen this in a movie before. I think it was an episode of Sex and The City - where I believe it was Charlotte. Yeah, it was her.

THAT - to give you an idea on what happened - EXACTLY THAT!

Being the old timid me, I did not do or say anything at that time. I excused myself to the bathroom and washed my face - ugh the smell of saliva is definitely NOT a pleasant thing. Going back to bed, freshly washed face, he tried to kiss me again, but I told him I needed some sleep and pushed him back. I managed to doze off until around 6 AM when he woke me before going out the door and planted another sloppy (if you called that a) kiss.

Later that day, I dragged my best friend aside during lunch and told her what happened.

"It was sloppy, like tongue everywhere sloppy," I told her, "I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to wash my face."

The look on her face was priceless, a combination of laughter and disgust. She laughed out loud, nearly choking, before managing to say "Been there, done that."

It will never be perfect. As a matter of fact, there has never been anyone - in my friend's knowledge - that had the perfect first kiss. "You've seen too many romcoms. There's no such thing" she said, "You're lucky he only kissed you, my first time, the guy grabbed my boobs so hard, slapped him on the spot."

That moment, I decided to be a man on a mission. To teach this guy how to kiss - although I've never kissed anyone before in my entire life, I should know how (thank you, Hollywood!). I went to the internet cafe after work - no smartphones back then - and googled the perfect kiss, how-to videos, and clips of Hollywood's perfect kisses. I, like Charlotte, wanted to tame this lapping beast and make him an excellent kisser.

A few nights later, he and I went out for a movie and dinner. We went back to my place afterwards, and no one was around. We discussed the action flick we just saw, chatted about random things, and he leaned in to kiss me.

"Look," I placed my hand on his chest, "I need to tell you something."

"Oh, ok."

"I don't want to complain, but your kiss, it's somewhat, sloppy," I told him.

"Sloppy?" he said, looking puzzled.

"I mean, I don't mind tongue and all, but the other night it was kind of, wet, to say the least."

I explained to him that after we kissed, I washed my face just because his tongue went rogue and lapped up my face as if trying to devour me. He looked a little confused and maybe sad. Was I too harsh?

"Alright, let me show you," I said as I lifted his face towards mine, "this is how you kissed me the other night."

I began kissing his lips lightly then he kissed me back, and that was my cue. Tongue out, lapping all over his lips, cheeks, chin, back onto his lips, like an excited pup. Gosh, I'm evil.

"Was I that bad?" he asked as he leaned back against the wall.

"Well, not bad. But perhaps go slower, I guess, take your time," I said, "Here, let's give it a try."

We kissed lightly, just lips on lips, slowly, taking our time. Hmm, this guy might get it this time. He tried to kiss harder, but I pulled back, slowing him down. Then...

Pushing me back, he went at it. Again. Mr Puppy is back. Tongue everywhere, licking, lapping, it was a sloppy mess. God, help me...

Charlotte, I feel you girl. I seriously get what you went through with the bad kisser.

We dated for a while. I got over the kissing part by having baby wipes, facial wash, and towel with me at all times when I saw him. We eventually broke up - well, he broke up with me, dating another guy while we were together, along with several casual sex encounters with total strangers which I found out later on.

I guess my friend was right, huh? Hollywood 'poisoned' us with the perfect kisses, ideal dates, and stereotypes of THE relationships. This being said, how was your first kiss? Care to share? Comments below!

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