• Dane

Want To Be Angry? Be Fucking Angry!!



Late for work today, somehow everything seems to hold me back since I snoozed my alarm. Yeah, it was partially my fault. Snoozed the damn thing and woke up an hour later, where I should have left for work 15 minutes ago. Ran to the bathroom, took a quick shower, rushed downstairs to two dogs wagging their tails demanding for a walk. Amy was okay without a leash, AJ - even putting a leash on him was a task on its own. Out the doors, we went for a quick walk, like five minutes, dragged AJ back to the house - obviously having not enough time to mark his way around the block or even for taking a dump was not okay with him.


Packed my bag, put on my shoes, shit - forgot my socks, ran back upstairs, grabbed my socks and ran back down. Went out the door only to realise I left my phone at home after driving for five minutes, rushed back home, grabbed my phone and sped down the small road to the office. Then, BANG! My rear tyre burst almost fell over the damn motorbike. Fuck fuckity fuck! And I was on the shortcut, empty lands on both sides, uneven road, no damn motor shop to go. Pushed my bike for a few hundred meters, up a steep climb, to the main road, and what do you know? No motor shop! Called the office, telling them I will be late as fuck as I was in the middle of nowhere with a flat tyre. Sweat ran down my entire back - Bali's humidity was not helping at all. Drenched in sweat, took off my jacket and pushed on. And then nature seemed to want to fuck me up that day, it rained. Just fucking perfect!


It was one of those days where everything just went wrong. Am I cursed or something? I was at my wit's end, wanting to pull my hair out, scream and be at full-on rage!


We all had one of those days. I never knew anyone - dead or alive - that never had one. I was damn angry, furious, just wanted to crawl down a hole and die.


How would you deal with a day like that though? Would you choose to be sad, angry, or numb it out and push on? Now that's an interesting choice of word, 'choose'. Yeah, choose.


Anger, sadness, happiness, and other emotions (apparently there are around 21 to 22 different emotions according to science) is our reaction to certain events happening in our lives. It has something to do with the wires in your brain, hormones, well, I don't know what else but let's not get into the scientific facts on this. But the term "control your emotion" does mean something, I think it means that we need to choose our emotions as our reaction to any condition. I opted for the anger that day, I could have dropped down and cried, or in an ideal world, I could have gone "Oh well, it's just one of those days, now what can I do to make this right?"


But I chose anger.


And it's only human to be angry, sad or any of those 22 emotions (take your pick). It's our natural reaction to things. But there are also moments where you choose to keep it to yourself, hold back, not showing any emotions. Let's say your boss called you up and screamed at you, talking back to your boss (at least in my culture) would be something frowned upon, or can end up with you losing your job. So you keep your emotions to yourself, maybe you'd go down and punch a wall later, but in front of your boss, you nod along, say sorry, and walk out. There you are, once again facing a situation where you need to choose - wisely, I hope - how to react.


But I am now a believer that when you can emote, do so - wisely. Why now? I used to hold back my emotions, won't show a thing to anyone, poker face - more like resting bitch face. But after going through a recent breakup, I sought answers to my tons of emotional baggage and discovered that I had pent up emotions that have been holding me back from being myself. It was not a painless journey. I tried chakra cleansing from a guy that looks like a crazy shaman, cute but crazy-looking). Went to another guy who offers Aura massage and spiritual guidance. Saw a local healer, a psychiatrist (where I discovered half of my issues before COVID-19 hit us hard), before finally went on a spiritual journey that opened up so many things (we'll talk about this on another post).


From the last two - the psych and the spiritual thing - I got the same message. I held on to my emotions internally to a point where they consume me and stress me out. Scientifically, the psychiatrist asked me to practice writing down a journal whenever I have anxiety or feeling stressed. "Write what causes each episode and if you've written it before, don't write it down. This way we'll have a list of what's causing your anxiety", makes sense, so this way I can track the reasons of me having anxiety. He also advises me to do breathing practices whenever I feel stressed out - which I still do to today. Basic approaches really, ones you would have expected to hear from a psychiatrist.


Then a friend took me to this spiritual guide to approach things differently. Desperately trying to heal, I went and boy, it was interesting. But the same message popped up - I have pent up emotions. That prevented me from moving on with my life and made it difficult for me to - wait for it - forgive. Not only others but myself as well. And another message that struck me to the core was this.


"You're only human. You have worries, fears, anger, disappointments and other negative energies. We all do. What you need to learn is to let them all go, let them out, release them to the universe."


I'm not a religious person, but what was said made sense. I hold back my emotions most of the time. We all do. And most of the time, these pent up emotions will eventually become like psychological cancer that will consume us. Either we will explode and suddenly burst out, or we will implode and go crazy - and it affects our health too. I had high blood pressure, irregular sleep patterns, lost of appetite, weight gain, the stress led me to higher consumption of alcohol - and the pandemic is not helping either. I'm sure many of you can relate at this point, we all now face the same issue worldwide, and everyone's stressed out, depressed. But I now feel a whole lot better because I chose to emote.



If I feel happy, I will smile like an idiot, joke around, dance, sing my heart out. If I feel sad, I will cry my face off, sobbing even. Once I felt so heartbroken that I cried as I drove my motorbike home. I even cried myself to sleep one time and woke up feeling so much lighter. Embracing those feelings have been nothing but liberating. This practice helps me to be more grateful for what I have and what I experienced. But it has also changed me to some extent.


If something annoys me, I find it easier to make peace with it - most of the time. If it doesn't cost me too much - physically, emotionally or even at times, financially - I let it be. Sure there are times where I cannot accept it, but when I gave in to my anger, I taught myself to analyse what happened afterwards and think how I could have handled it better - so that the next time something similar happened, I should know (hopefully) what to do. Like me giving myself a performance review.


Being more open to my emotions has also help me become happier. Because if you've seen the movie "Inside Out", life was better when you let your feelings - not just Joy, but Sadness, Disgust, Fear and Anger as well - play their part. Releasing your emotions DOES NOT mean to express your feelings dramatically, but to accept those feelings and express them as necessary. We're all human beings. We have emotions, and being social creatures, we communicate with each other through those emotions as well. Embrace them.


Okay, I know I mentioned the same movie in the previous post, but I just saw it again with a different perspective - and it was mindblowing.


A favourite podcast of mine went deep with the topic of dealing with anxiety - which to me is the pent up emotions - and there is a practice called RAIN which is a mindful approach when you feel overwhelmed. It teaches you to embrace and regain composure when you're overwhelmed with emotions by Recognising what is going on, Allowing the experience to flow through, Investigating your situation, and Nurturing your emotional reaction. You can learn more about this practice on multiple websites. There's even a meditational guide for this if you want to do so.


After lots of practice, I understand my emotions much better now, I embrace them and emote as I deem necessary. It has been a life-changing experience, and I want to share this with you with hopes that you too embrace your emotions.


Want to be angry? Be angry!


Just don't go out punching people, or throwing stuff, or anything that will get you in trouble.


Until next time! Ciao!

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